We talk a lot about relationships and community in church; probably to the point of it being more noise than meaning. And still, I’m not so great at authentic community. As an introvert I find that I allow a very small group of people in my “inner circle”; while having many in my “friendship circle” and even more in the “outer circle”, finding true relationships are actually hard work. Draining even.
We can be very conditional and even political, but true friendship comes with no conditions and most certainly shouldn’t be a strategic political move. True community and friendship shouldn’t be competitive… Nor should our communities of faith be.
Do we allow ourselves to be as real as possible with others, especially our friends? Consistantly, I doubt it. I mean I know we can’t go “all in” with everyone we meet or work with, but there should be a level of security, loyalty, and trust with those that know us best.
“A friend is one who walks in when others walk out” (Walter Winchell).
Ouch. I have not always been a true friend. To those, I am sorry. Life is indeed too short to allow things to bind away the fullness of life that we can all find in real relationships. I have always been blessed with a great group of friends over the years. My hope is that I can attempt be a friend in return to those that call me friend. Here is a reminder to how we should process… 1 Cor. 13 (Message) says,
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
What would you say one of biggest reasons we resist community and real friendships?










Chad Jarnagin
mike brennan
February 26, 2009 at 1:36 pm
good words bro. Hope all is well. We have to catch up soon!
Jeremy
February 26, 2009 at 1:55 pm
Great thoughts, my friend. You’re in a god place at RHCC – authentic community is something I feel they (“we”) do really well. Let’s get coffee next month!
Iz
February 26, 2009 at 2:34 pm
You can have your dagger back now. ouch.
Chad Jarnagin
February 26, 2009 at 5:03 pm
thank you all. Iz, it hurts here too… just thinking…
Susan
November 18, 2010 at 9:08 am
I believe some people resist because of past disappointment and hurt. I am an “all in” with everyone type person. Always have been. My sisters used to call me “Friend of the Friendless”. My biggest problem is thinking everyone thinks or should think like me, then I get hurt when the “all in” isn’t returned. So, I have to ask myself, I am truly “all in” or are there tiny strings attached at the tip of my reach? I have to learn to let go of the Love inside of me…and trust that God replenishes it…not the receiver.
David
November 18, 2010 at 9:18 am
Good post. For me, it is a trust factor.
I guess I should work on that.
Beck
November 18, 2010 at 12:22 pm
definitely agree with susan on being hurt in the past, but also because sometimes i’m just afraid that if people see all of me, they won’t like some part of it..so if they stay on the fringe they can’t get close enough to see me with all the flaws. For those that do know, and still love me, I am so thankful. It turns out when you start letting more people in, you find they aren’t as judgmental as you imagined, and may even have some of those same issues. I always have been insecure approaching an already intact group of friends. I find it’s hardest to be a part of a group that’s already so close-so maybe i need to work at trying to include others in groups that I’m part of? Okay, i’m gonna work on that. all for now.
Tyler
November 18, 2010 at 1:32 pm
I’m still processing some of this. Thanks for the conversation Chad.
My wife and I haven’t been a part of a group of any kind iv over a year. The last church we were a part of seemed to be pretty religious. Meaning, we felt judged when we told everyone that we enjoyed wine! What? seriously? That was the beginning of the end.
Narrowminded Christians are the worst.
If we were to be with others that challenged us and well as the ability to speak freely and NOT be judged, we would be extremely willing.
Sounds like you have a great community. You’re blessed.
Heather
November 18, 2010 at 3:26 pm
I agree with Susan with it being about past disappointment. I for one have always been shy and have been hurt in the past. Therefore causing me to put up a wall that is hard to tear down. I have come along way in not being as shy as I used to, but I still have a long way to go. Good post!
Sarah
November 18, 2010 at 4:43 pm
I love this post. Your fabulous wife and I were actually talking about this the other day. Anyone that truly knows me knows that I love authentic and honest relationships…it makes my heart very happy. I think I struggle with the relationships/friendships that are on the outer circle. It’s not that I have to be “all in” time wise with every relationship I have but I desire for it to be “all in” authentic wise. For me to give my true self and vice versa. I think we do struggle with this because of an insecurity of what people will think when they see the “ugly”. But an amazing woman once taught me that real can’t be ugly…except for those who don’t understand. (Velveteen Rabbit). There will be people who think your “ugly” is just that…ugly. But those who have been redeemed…accepted…forgiven…live in freedom…those who don’t find their identity in others’ victories and failures…those people will see you as beautiful. I think we have true community when we stop making it about ourselves and what we receive from it. When we just sit with people…enjoy them…cry with them…celebrate their victories…share truth…be honest…ultimately let them be real. My heart is very full and yet light when I am doing life with someone whose only requirement of me is that I be myself. I think this is when we most resemble our Jesus.
Ron Roark
November 19, 2010 at 12:07 am
Good stuff man.
I think many if not all of us have been burned too often by people. The really generous & compassionate of us get it the most. Our world is so wired to say “what’s in it for me”.
I can’t speak for anyone else but I still struggle with giving & recieving true community. My prayer is that as we walk closer with the Father & experience true relationship with Him, then I can let others in more easily – or at least withstand a few more burns.
Katie
November 19, 2010 at 8:24 am
Good words, Chad. I can remember even as a kid being more concerned about not letting anyone feel left out in that “outer circle” of friends that it’s been hard for me to take the time to invest in a close knit group. But even Jesus had a small group that he was especially close to and vulnerable with!
Chad Jarnagin
November 20, 2010 at 7:31 pm
You all are great for taking the time to comment. Thank you.
This is an important conversation. Life looks extremely different without each other. Even if we have been hurt before, we should start over again… and again if needed. Surely we will find some trust along the way.
Jack said it well; live together, die alone. :)
Keep it coming if you got something.
Stephen Collins
November 24, 2010 at 11:32 am
This is great Chad. I’m glad I found your site. I used to be involved with a church, but after a few interactions with some old thinking people, I just couldn’t continue. It seems that most of the things I did were always judged by most others. I honestly don’t think that is the way God wants it to be. I sure do hope that I can contineu to find some new friends that except me as I am, and not as I should be.